10 Hilarious ways to Fund a University Without Federal Dollars
What to Do When the Government Ghosts You and the Alumni Block Your Calls
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As the U.S. and the rest of the world have focused attention on the Middle East, everyone anxious to see if tensions will simmer down or explode, universities like Harvard have been left in limbo with regard to their future funding. I’m not immune to the struggles of their plight. Having to pay back student loans for that counseling degree I didn’t finish has grown my empathy for all entities trying to make ends meet. So I got thinking. And do I have some great news for them!
Leaning into my past experiences in non-profit leadership, I have come up with 10 great ideas to help flagging higher ed institutions raise liquid assets lickedy split. I reckon these methods also work for any university looking to cover the costs of all those administrators. I only ask that they loop me in for a measly 1%. Call it reparations for educational malpractice.
Without further ado…
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viewersstudents can earn credit hours in sexual sociology, queer theory, gender and crime, feminist diatribes, and sex worker activism.Naming Rights to Everything! Now that so many halls have been stripped of their colonizer monikers, why not take advantage of this window of opportunity! Imagine the collaborations! Who wouldn’t want to be the first graduate of the Goldman Sachs Department of Kleptocracy or The Pfizer Center for Medical Misinformation Studies? For $10 million, benefactors could rename the Philosophy building after their dog. Hint hint.
Antiquities Yard Sale! Make some fast cash and create OnlyFans studio space in unused archeology departments! If universities are going to be rehoming their collections to unload colonial guilt anyway, why not make the process pay?
Campus Parking Lot Hunger Games! Sell double the number of parking passes and revoke the campus no weapons policy. Retool security cameras for paid subscriber-only live-streaming, and they’ll make a killing in no time!
Microaggression Jar! - What better way to enforce intersectionality respect and clean up some cash? Every time a student says something problematic, they drop $5 in the jar. By finals week, the university is fully solvent, and only half the student body is bankrupt. Good deal, right? Also available as a Venmo subscription.
Reparations Escape Room! - Climbing walls only serve one purpose, this can serve two! Students can solve the maze of their ancestors’ sins, identity politics, and contradictory DEI policies before the buzzer hits or be forced to write a 12-page land acknowledgment. Students get credit toward their ethnic studies requirement and universities can charge $25 per student, with an extra $10 for each white guilt hint.
Surge Pricing on Pronouns! At our universities, we want to support students whomever they turn out to be, but updating pronoun records doesn’t come cheap. Get the first change on us, every additional update incurs an administrative expense fee, double for out-of-state students. Frequent fliers can buy punch cards, 10 changes for the cost of 8. As a bonus, we’ll use the rainbow-colored hole punch, but don’t lose the card kids!
Classroom Timeshares! Having classroom space empty even for an hour is leaving money on the table. Fix that by renting it by the hour! Those empty classrooms can be the new home for senior playdates, klan meetings, rock band practice space, and popup casinos, the possibilities are endless! OnlyFans extracurriculars anyone? Universities could even list that in promotional brochures as a sex-positive environment, and enrollment would boom too!
Apprentice Money Laundering! Who hasn’t had their hair cut at the local beauty school to save a few bucks? Now you can put math and accounting majors to work practicing essential skills like “creative invoicing” and “auditing blindspots.” Best of all, the students are still paying tuition! Almost everyone wins!
Rent-a-Riot! How about practical training for those activist degrees? For $5k rent out a bus full of gender studies majors, social work, and counselor trainees with signs, chants, and vague threats of revolution. Available in 3 intensity levels: Performative, Unhinged, and Actual Arson. Charge extra to live stream.
Now may all your funding problems be solved. And to all a good night.
Housekeeping
Welcome to all you new subscribers! I’m honored to have you here. Your support opens up more and more possibilities. Most important will be getting the word out about the need to shift psychology back toward what is scientifically verifiable.
I also hope you find your time here both informational and enjoyable. Do share your thoughts in the comments and on the notes. If you have a tip or a request, let me know.
I am currently doing a lot behind the scenes to both move legislation forward in Tennessee and other states, and get as much written as I possibly can.
Wish me luck, and enjoy this unusual fungus Poppet and I discovered on a walk.
On the Bookshelf
I have not been especially productive with my reading. I’ve been trying to get ahead with my writing so that I can have buffer time to get a few other things done. Sacrifices had to be made.
Accreditation on the Edge: Challenging Quality Assurance in Higher Education by Susan D. Phillips
The Case Against Education by Bryan Caplan
The Licensing Racket: How We Decide Who Is Allowed to Work, and Why It Goes Wrong by Rebecca Haw Allensworth
Moral Calculations: Game Theory, Logic and Human Frailty by Laszlo Mero
The New Know-nothings: The Political Foes of the Scientific Study of Human Nature by Morton Hunt
The New Oxford Annotated Bible with Apocrypha: New Revised Standard by Marc Brettler, Carol Newsom, Pheme Perkins
Surely You’re Joking, Mr. Feynman! Adventures of a Curious Character by Richard Feynman
We Have Never Been Woke: The Cultural Contradictions of the New Elite by Musa al-Gharbi
“Whatever It Is, I’m Against It”: Resistance to Change in Higher Education by Brian Rosenberg
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About
Diogenes in Exile began after I returned to grad school to pursue a Clinical Mental Health Counseling master’s degree at the University of Tennessee. What I encountered, however, was a program deeply entrenched in Critical Theories ideology. During my time there, I experienced significant resistance, particularly for my Buddhist practice, which was labeled as invalidating to other identities. After careful reflection, I chose to leave the program, believing the curriculum being taught would ultimately harm clients and lead to unethical practices in the field.
Since then, I’ve dedicated myself to investigating, writing, and speaking out about the troubling direction of psychology, higher education, and other institutions that seem to have lost their way. When I’m not working on these issues, you’ll find me in the garden, creating art, walking my dog, or guiding my kids toward adulthood.
You can also find my work at Minding the Campus