From Occupied Academia! Bias Response Team Deploys Over “Microexpression” in Classroom Incident
When a professor’s nose twitched, the DEI SWAT unit rappelled in to restore ideological order. A comic glimpse into academia’s scent-sensitive absurdity.
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Based on actual events, this little bit of satire pokes massive fun at a challenging situation. The person in question prefers to remain anonymous, but be forewarned. Today, over 450 higher education campuses now have bias response teams at the ready to destroy lives over imaginary transgressions.
Dateline: Occupied Academia, 2025.
It began as an ordinary Tuesday in the Department of Compassion Studies, that is, until Professor Harold Jenkins made a fatal mistake.
Somewhere between a PowerPoint slide on “Emotional Safety in remote Pedagogical Spaces” and a student’s third consecutive question about her “lived olfactory truth,” he crinkled his nose.
The air in the classroom had become unusually dense, a pungent bouquet of patchouli, damp hoodie, and what scholars now refer to as the authentic human musk. The student sitting nearest, a self-described “sweat liberated individual,” immediately sensed the violence. To her, that tiny wrinkle of skin was no mere facial twitch; it was an act of bias, a microaggression targeting the scent of her legitimate human identity.
Within moments, ceiling tiles flew open and the university’s Bias Response Rapid Deployment Unit was rappelling down on ropes, black uniforms, empathy patches, and shoulder-holstered clipboards flapped in the recycled air. Sirens wailed from hidden speakers. One shouted through a megaphone:
“STEP AWAY FROM THE MARGINALIZED IDENTITY! KEEP YOUR SYSTEMIC OPPRESSION WHERE WE CAN SEE IT!”
Everywhere, the students froze. The professor raised his trembling hands, muttering that he had only been “breathing.”
But it was too late.
The unit formed a perimeter around the toxic scent supremacist, deploying portable Safe Space Barriers, making way for critically informed grief counselors, and passing out emotional support tissues to witnesses of the nasal event.
A DEI officer on the scene later explained that Jenkins’ “olfactory insensitivity” was a textbook example of nasal supremacy—a power dynamic in which those with normative scent preferences marginalize the aromatically diverse.
“This kind of unconscious bias is exactly why we need more training,” she said, standing heroically beneath a banner that read Smell Justice Now.
Reporters from Stars and Bars, The Normative Tribune, and The Bourgeoisie curiously waited outside the building in the rain to obtain comments.
By afternoon, the administration had released a statement assuring the campus community that “odor inclusivity is our highest priority.” All faculty were reminded that neutral facial expressions must be maintained at all times, even under conditions of extreme gaminess or moral confusion. The university’s counseling office reported a sharp rise in trauma appointments, mostly from students who had witnessed the professor’s nose move.
Meanwhile, Professor Jenkins was reassigned to a yearlong re-education seminar titled Smelling Responsibly: Deconstructing Nasal Privilege in the Classroom.
And so, another crisis was narrowly averted in the halls of higher learning. The Bias Response Team returned to their ropes, ever vigilant, ever watchful—ready to descend again at the first sign of free expression.
After all, in Occupied Academia, if you smell something… say nothing.
Housekeeping
I took most of Columbus day off from posting to catch up on some overdue household chores and work on some sewing. I’ve been trying to revitalize my wardrobe since the spring, but when most of your work can accommodate sweatsuit chic, it’s easy to procrastinate.
The heightened rhetoric continues to be worrisome, especially paired with the government shutdown and compounding debt. Color me concerned about what we will face in the coming year, but I will also continue to put one foot in front of the other. I sincerely believe that deregulation, a bit of austerity, and educational reform will allow for a rebound.
We just have to be able to pull off those miracles. I’m working on one of them. I’ll keep you posted.
On the Bookshelf
Jiminy Cricket. I’m not going to even write it all out. Nothing has changed! We’ll talk again next week. Stop looking at me like that.
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About
Diogenes in Exile began after I returned to grad school to pursue a master’s degree in Clinical Mental Health Counseling at the University of Tennessee. What I found instead was a program saturated in Critical Theories ideology—where my Buddhist practice was treated as invalidating and where dissent from the prevailing orthodoxy was met with hostility. After witnessing how this ideology undermined both ethics and the foundations of good clinical practice, I made the difficult decision to walk away.
Since then, I’ve dedicated myself to exposing the ideological capture of psychology, higher education, and related institutions. My investigative writing has appeared in Real Clear Education, Minding the Campus, The College Fix, and has been republished by the American Council of Trustees and Alumni. I also speak and consult on policy reform to help rebuild public trust in once-respected professions.
Occasionally, I’m accused of being funny.
When I’m not writing or digging into documents, you’ll find me in the garden, making art, walking my dog, or guiding my kids toward adulthood.
This is brilliant, and beautiful.