🔥 "Welcome to the 2026 Oscars: The Night of a Thousand Struggle Sessions"!

We are getting ready early! With a new dress code: Inspired by medieval monks and Soviet-era ration lines.

Years ago, the Academy Awards was a must-watch event in my house. I usually saw all the nominated movies and I looked forward to the controlled chaos of a live event that has seen streakers, one-armed pushups, and here recently quite a dramatic slap.

Things have changed. Lately, I haven’t made the time. I even had to catch the infamous slap on YouTube after the fact. From the clips I’ve seen of this year's shenanigans, they have doubled down on the DEI virtue signaling. This does not bode well for the 2025 cinema year. Alas.

That said, if they want to go full purity diversity, maybe I should take this opportunity to help them out in a way that could be more entertaining for those of us on the other side of the screen.

So I’ve put together a mandatory DEI Conduct and Dress Code for the Academy ready for the 2026 event to show my appreciation and help them keep their Social Justice agenda on track!

The Academy Awards Mandatory DEI Conduct & Dress Code

The message from the universe could not be clearer: Hollywood’s sins have brought judgment upon it. The fires that consumed half of Los Angeles were not merely a natural disaster but a reckoning—a divine response to the industry’s greed, excess, and moral bankruptcy! 

The exploitation of marginalized voices for profit, the performative allyship that masks deep-seated hypocrisy, the glorification of wealth while the world suffers, and the rampant cultural appropriation that turns sacred traditions into red-carpet gimmicks—all of these transgressions have led to this moment of toe-curling decolonizing hellfire!

The Academy Awards can no longer be a temple of vanity, indulgence, and noshing juicy tomatoes like Denethor as Minas Tirith is under siege by Sauron’s orc armies!

It must become a space of atonement, humility, and genuine progress like transferring title to your multi-million dollar mansion to Robin DiAngelo and begging for reprieve from your colonizer heritage, complete with groveling and hairshirts! 

This Mandatory Dress Code is not just a guideline; it is a declaration that Hollywood is ready to change, to show contrition, and to finally really align itself with the principles of justice, respect, equity, and a guilt-relieving transfer of wealth!

Fashion is not merely an accessory—it is an expression of values. And at the Oscars, that expression must reflect a world in crisis, a people in pain, and an industry that must do better and better and better, until someone on stage can display an actual callus not related to high heels. Let this dress code be the first step toward redemption, and sharing those fat stacks regardless of artistic merit!

To ensure that the Oscars reflect the values of equity, inclusion, and justice, all attendees must adhere to the following Mandatory DEI Behavior & Dress Code. Any failure to comply will result in an immediate struggle session on stage, doing a ‘dance’ as a marginalized person fires rounds at your feet, and a public statement of accountability uploaded to YouTube, available for re-edits!

Behavior Code

1. Atonement & Acknowledgment – Every attendee must publicly acknowledge the historical injustices perpetuated by the entertainment industry like Cats 2019, Disney’s Wish, or M. Night Shyamalan’s The Last Airbender. Another formal land acknowledgment, including all displaced mammals, birds, reptiles, fish, and insects will open the event, and guests must show respect by remaining silent, placing their hands over their hearts, shedding real tears, and then singing John Lennon’s Imagine to the tune of the USSR’s National Anthem.

2. Mandatory Allyship – All attendees must be able to articulate their ongoing DEI commitments, including the concrete actions they are taking to uplift marginalized communities through song, dance, and cinema. A DEI compliance officer will be present to assess statements and impromptu musical numbers given during red-carpet interviews. Ratings will be shown on large placards. Performers with low ratings will be required to make their next movie with Daniel Day Lewis method acting Pol Pot.

3. No Excessive Displays of Wealth – Given the global crises of wealth disparity and environmental destruction, all attendees will wear hairshirts. References to extreme wealth and privilege will be penalized with immediate scissor trimming of said hairshirt. This includes any mention of diamond accessories, gowns valued over $10,000, private jets, luxury vacations, or multimillion-dollar contracts. Second offenses will see the celebrity immediately escorted to re-education while the audience chants, ‘Shame!’

4. Verbal Conduct Guidelines – Microaggressions will not be tolerated. This includes but is not limited to:

   • Misgendering, assuming pronouns, physical gestures, looking anywhere but down.

   • Making Eurocentric beauty compliments (e.g., “You look so elegant” rather than making an extended acknowledgment of the difficulties faced by being a marginalized person including a list of all possible slurs the marginalized person could be called and how sorry you are for each and every one of them.)

   • Using outdated terminology such as "diverse voices" instead of "historically the very most excluded communities living the shittiest lives ever seen on this planet by anyone ever."

5. Controlled Speech During Acceptance Speeches – Winners must dedicate at least 100% of their speech to addressing an urgent social justice issue. If a winner fails to do so, their speech will be brutally mocked by Ricky Gervais.

Dress Code

To ensure the Oscars are a space of reverence rather than indulgence, attire must reflect humility, inclusivity, cultural awareness, and submission to the new world order.

Approved Attire

✅ Sustainable Hairshirts – All outfits must be ethically sourced, made from sustainable hair of failed Kentucky Derby race horses, and produced under fair labor conditions by anyone with a degree in gender studies. Documentation of ethical sourcing will be required.

✅ Cultural Sensitivity Certification – Any hairshirt inspired by or referencing a specific culture must be pre-approved by a DEI advisory board to ensure hair used is of historically proper mammals from the area of origin.  Permission from community leaders is required.

✅ Muted Color Palettes – Given the gravity of the event, attendees are required to wear natural animal hair color tones (brown, white, bay, chestnut, flaxen, gray, or black) to demonstrate their understanding that fashion is secondary to full throated uplifting social justice.

Prohibited Attire

❌ Luxury Excess – No designer logos, jewel-encrusted gowns, or suits that could inspire an unplanned red-carpet performance of Puttin’ on the Ritz.

❌ Cultural Appropriation – No attire inspired by marginalized cultures including outfits made of traditional foods or sausages.

❌ Colonial & Patriarchal Styles – No corsets, cravats, top hats, or any fashion historically linked to colonialism, gender oppression, slim oppression, beauty oppression… for that matter, no makeup either!

❌ Excessive Skin Exposure – To promote body neutrality rather than objectification, hairshirts must not be designed to hypersexualize or reinforce Western beauty standards as defined by Greta Thunberg unless they have been subjected to a punitive scissor trim.

Compliance & Enforcement

• A DEI Compliance Committee will review all hairshirts in advance. Any attendee dressed in attire deemed inappropriate will be immediately restyled by Kanye West before red-carpet access is granted.

• Live monitoring will occur throughout the event. Offenders will be identified with a spotlight, expected to stand and reveal their real age to the cameras.

• Post-event evaluations will determine whether attendees demonstrated the proper level of commitment to equity and justice. Failure to do so may result in being cast opposite both a baby and a dog for the offender’s next 10 films.

This is not a request. This is a new standard for an industry that has long profited from exclusion, oppression, unchecked privilege, a criminal lack of backbone, and rebooting yet another old franchise or comic book multiverse. The Academy Awards will now be a space for justice and ongoing irrelevance until the last of the money runs out.

Lord help us.

Housekeeping

The Tennessee legislators I spoke with last week were very interested to hear how CACREP is dodging our state laws. Unfortunately, state legislative terms are short, and it will take some time to determine the most productive ways to address the problem.

I would like to see Skrmetti rule on whether the current curriculum is legal under Tennessee law. However, he responds, we will know what the challenge ahead of us looks like.

On the Bookshelf

We all know the answer, don’t we? The embarrassment is real. Physical book reading is not happening.

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About

Diogenes in Exile began after I returned to grad school to pursue a Clinical Mental Health Counseling master’s degree at the University of Tennessee. What I encountered, however, was a program deeply entrenched in Critical Theories ideology. During my time there, I experienced significant resistance, particularly for my Buddhist practice, which was labeled as invalidating to other identities. After careful reflection, I chose to leave the program, believing the curriculum being taught would ultimately harm clients and lead to unethical practices in the field.

Since then, I’ve dedicated myself to investigating, writing, and speaking out about the troubling direction of psychology, higher education, and other institutions that seem to have lost their way. When I’m not working on these issues, you’ll find me in the garden, creating art, walking my dog, or guiding my kids toward adulthood.

You can also find my work at Minding the Campus