New DSM-6 Disorders So Ridiculous, Even Your Therapist Will Laugh

More labels, less accountability—mental health just got a glow-up!

As discussed on Monday, the DSM bears some responsibility for the current state of confusion in mental health. Since it has been a good decade since the DSM-5 came out, we decided to help them get a jump start on version 6 with some leaked, timely new conditions. We even included a treatment option or two.

Leaked: The DSM-6 Is Here, and It’s Crazier Than Ever!

Psychologists, psychiatrists, and armchair therapists rejoice—the DSM-6 is finally here! While the official release isn’t scheduled for another year or ten, an anonymous whistleblower (probably an angry counseling intern in a rush to decolonize the West) has leaked some of the hottest new mental disorders that will soon be sweeping the nation.

Gone are the days when the DSM was reserved for actual psychological conditions. Now, if you’ve ever had a bad day, an uncomfortable conversation, or even a mild inconvenience, congratulations—you might qualify for an official diagnosis!

To give you a sneak peek, we’ve compiled some of the most groundbreaking new entries, complete with their cutting-edge *cough* treatments. Whether you’re suffering from Attention-Seeking Hyperbole Syndrome, Post-Tweet Traumatic Stress Disorder, or the ever-growing MCU Cosmic Capability Delusion Disorder (MCCDD-001.42), rest assured: there's a new disorder for everyone.

Welcome to the future of mental health—where personal responsibility is out, and self-diagnosing on TikTok is in!

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Attention-Seeking Hyperbole Syndrome (ASH Syndrome)

• Symptoms: Constant exaggeration of minor inconveniences as trauma; calling a delayed Starbucks order “systemic oppression”; referring to a disagreement as “a violent attack.”

• Treatment: Perspective Calibration Enclosure™ – The patient is locked in a room with a WWII veteran, a former hostage negotiator, and a single mother of five until they learn the difference between “trauma” and “mild discomfort.”

  Difficult cases may require multiple applications of the process and occasional refresher doses.

Post-Tweet Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTTSD)

• Symptoms: Emotional breakdowns following negative online interactions; inability to process criticism even when it’s labeled as “constructive” and delivered with a hug; frequent panic attacks when a tweet gets a corrective “Community Note”, vacating X for Bluesky.

• Treatment: Selective Exposure Therapy – Exposure to increasingly hostile online environments, starting with Reddit debates and progressing to 4chan until the patient either develops resilience or deletes their social media permanently.

Performative Compassion Fatigue (PCF)

• Symptoms: Extreme exhaustion from pretending to care about every social issue; emotional breakdowns over how many Instagram infographics they have to post; unconscience resentment toward their own activism.

• Treatment: The Social Media Detox Protocol – Patients are locked out of all online platforms for one month and forced to engage in real-world activism without posting selfies. 99% voluntarily leave activism within the first week.

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And our most anticipated new societal diagnosis:

Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mass Delusions (DSMD-6)

MCU Cosmic Capability Delusion Disorder (CCDD-001.42)

AKA: The MCU Syndrome, The Jedi Fallacy, The "We All Identify as a Dragonborn Wizard" Disorder

Diagnostic Criteria:

A. Widespread, persistent belief that physical limitations do not exist and that anyone can perform any feat regardless of biological constraints, including but not limited to:

• Widespread belief a 90-pound woman can suplex a Navy Seal.

• Lifelong couch potatoes bragging they can parkour across skyscrapers after one motivational speech.

• Middle-aged workers breaking out into fights at the water cooler over how they can wield a sword like Aragorn because they watched The Witcher.

• Ubiquitous, conviction that space travel, cybernetic enhancements, and immortality are all just one TED Talk away.

• Politicians promoting significant hiring increases of quadriplegic fire-fighters and police officers who go on to be elected into office.

B. Frequent engagement in online debates insisting that anyone can do anything and that sex doesn’t matter despite overwhelming empirical evidence to the contrary.

C. Difficulty distinguishing between Hollywood physics and real-world physics, leading to injuries such as:

• Female volleyball players knocked cold by trans athletes.

• Wheelchair-bound woman attacked by 6’7” male inmate co-housed in women’s prison.

• Trans-identified males strip-searching women.

D. Excessive use of phrases such as:

• “This was a perfect storm disaster that couldn’t have been predicted.” - while footage of a commentator predicting the danger 10 years prior plays in the background.

• “It doesn’t matter if the female firefighters can’t lift people out of burning buildings. Fat old rural fire chiefs can’t either. And most firefighters are volunteers anyway, so you get what you get.”

• “It’s 2025, why don’t we have bionic arms yet?”

E. Severe disappointment when encountering reality, followed by coping mechanisms such as doubling down on nonsense theories, complaining to the internet, or demanding society adjust its expectations to align with their delusions.

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Treatment Plan for Individuals:

1. Reality Exposure Therapy (RET)

• Patients are gradually introduced to real-world physics through carefully controlled activities, such as:

  • Attempting to lift a heavy object.

  • Running a mile without passing out.

  • Engaging in physical challenges vs the opposite sex.

2. Science Literacy Education

• Patients undergo remedial courses in biology, physics, and engineering to understand why Brie Larson would not win in a fistfight with Chris Hemsworth and why humans can't just "upload their consciousness" to a USB drive.

3. Film & Literature Detox Program

• Patients are prescribed a strict diet of documentaries and non-fiction books to counteract years of exposure to media where people survive explosions by "jumping at the last second."

4. Roleplay Harm Reduction

• Patients may engage in fantasy-based activities (e.g., Dungeons & Dragons, LARPing) under the supervision of a trained reality anchor to ensure they do not attempt real-world application of their in-game feats.

5. Professional Disillusionment Therapy (PDT)

• Patients are encouraged to apply for real-world jobs in law enforcement, military, or emergency services to fully appreciate that life is not an action movie.

• Women are encouraged to apply for work as garbage carriers, Alaskan crab fishers, or septic tank repairpersons to fully appreciate why there isn’t gender career equity.

6. Social Support Group: "You Are Not Neo"

• Weekly meetings where recovering individuals share stories about the moment they realized reality has consequences.

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Prognosis:

• Mild Cases: May recover with minimal intervention, often after one serious injury or mugging.

• Moderate Cases: Improvement seen after financial loss due to sports betting on natal women vs trans women athletes.

• Severe Cases: May remain permanently convinced that they are living in an alt-right hellscape and are only seconds away from being mercilessly misgendered.

Disclaimer: If an insufficient number of individuals remain untreated, the mass delusion will persist. Effects may be the terms progressive and unhinged becoming synonymous, rising crime rates, and unchecked wildfires despite carbon-neutral restructuring.

For individuals where symptoms persist beyond the age of 30, patient may be at risk of pursuing a career in Hollywood or politics.

Housekeeping

Information from the textbook study will begin on Monday. I can hardly wait.

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About

Diogenes in Exile began after I returned to grad school to pursue a Clinical Mental Health Counseling master’s degree at the University of Tennessee. What I encountered, however, was a program deeply entrenched in Critical Theories ideology. During my time there, I experienced significant resistance, particularly for my Buddhist practice, which was labeled as invalidating to other identities. After careful reflection, I chose to leave the program, believing the curriculum being taught would ultimately harm clients and lead to unethical practices in the field.

Since then, I’ve dedicated myself to investigating, writing, and speaking out about the troubling direction of psychology, higher education, and other institutions that seem to have lost their way. When I’m not working on these issues, you’ll find me in the garden, creating art, walking my dog, or guiding my kids toward adulthood.

You can also find my work at Minding the Campus